कुछ मज़ेदार लम्हे…

December 11, 2009

Operating System v/s Airlines

Filed under: English — Yogesh Marwaha @ 13:16
Tags: , , , ,

Different operating systems. Different styles. But what if the quirks and styles of the different operating systems were applied to AIRLINES? What if airlines ran things the way operating systems do? This humorous analogy, applying operating system philosophies as if they were airlines, is a long-standing much-circulated amusing story, and we’d credit the author if we knew who wrote it!

If Operating Systems Ran The Airlines…

UNIX Airways: Everyone brings one piece of the plane along when they come to the airport. They all go out on the runway and put the plane together piece by piece, arguing non-stop about what kind of plane they are supposed to be building.

Air DOS: Everybody pushes the airplane until it glides, then they jump on and let the plane coast until it hits the ground again. Then they push again, jump on again, and so on…

Mac Airlines: All the stewards, captains, baggage handlers, and ticket agents look and act exactly the same. Every time you ask questions about details, you are gently but firmly told that you don’t need to know, don’t want to know, and everything will be done for you without your ever having to know, so just shut up.

Windows Air: The terminal is pretty and colourful, with friendly stewards, easy baggage check and boarding, and a smooth take-off. After about 10 minutes in the air, the plane explodes with no warning whatsoever.

Windows NT Air: Just like Windows Air, but costs more, uses much bigger planes, and takes out all the other aircraft within a 40-mile radius when it explodes.

Windows XP Air: You turn up at the airport,which is under contract to only allow XP Air planes. All the aircraft are identical, brightly coloured and three times as big as they need to be. The signs are huge and all point the same way. Whichever way you go, someone pops up dressed in a cloak and pointed hat insisting you follow him. Your luggage and clothes are taken off you and replaced with an XP Air suit and suitcase identical to everyone around you as this is included in the exorbitant ticket cost. The aircraft will not take off until you have signed a contract. The inflight entertainment promised turns out to be the same Mickey Mouse cartoon repeated over and over again. You have to phone your travel agent before you can have a meal or drink. You are searched regularly throughout the flight. If you go to the toilet twice or more you get charged for a new ticket. No matter what destination you booked you will always end up crash landing at Whistler in Canada.

Linux Air: Disgruntled employees of all the other OS airlines decide to start their own airline. They build the planes, ticket counters, and pave the runways themselves. They charge a small fee to cover the cost of printing the ticket, but you can also download and print the ticket yourself. When you board the plane, you are given a seat, four bolts, a wrench and a copy of the seat-HOWTO.html. Once settled, the fully adjustable seat is very comfortable, the plane leaves and arrives on time without a single problem, the in-flight meal is wonderful. You try to tell customers of the other airlines about the great trip, but all they can say is, “You had to do what with the seat?”

Source: e-mail

Advertisements

December 9, 2009

Tech. support

Filed under: English — Yogesh Marwaha @ 22:19
Tags: , ,

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slow down in the performance of flower and jewellery applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.9, but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0 and NBA 3.0.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I’ve tried running NAGGING 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?

Desperate

[REPLY]

Dear Desperate,

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Try to enter the command: C:/I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and install Tears 6.2. Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications: Guilty 3.0 and Flowers 7.0. But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Television 6.1. Television 6.1 is a very bad program. That will create Loud noises ( WAV files) and does not get deleted.

DO NOT install Mother-In-Law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have a limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Cheerfulness 2.0.

Good Luck,

Tech Support

Source: e-mail

November 11, 2009

Some funny quotes about computers

Filed under: English — Yogesh Marwaha @ 21:27
Tags:

“Computers are useless. They can only give you answers.”

-Pablo Picasso.

“Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.”

-Rich Cook.

“Computer dating is fine, if you’re a computer.”

-Rita May Brown.

“All sorts of computer errors are now turning up. You’d be surprised to know the number of doctors who claim they are treating pregnant men.”

-Isaac Asimov.

“To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.”

-Paul Ehrlich.

“Beware of computer programmers that carry screwdrivers.”

-Leonard Brandwein.

“UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity.”

-Dennis Ritchie.

“The perfect computer has been developed. You just feed in your problems and they never come out again.”

-Al Goodman.

“The most overlooked advantage of owning a computer is that if they foul up there’s no law against whacking them around a bit.”

-Eric Porterfield.

Source

Where am I?

Filed under: English — Yogesh Marwaha @ 14:08
Tags: ,

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft’s electronic navigation and communications equipment.

Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter’s position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said

“WHERE AM I?”

in large letters.

People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign,and held it in a building window. Their sign said:

“YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER.”

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATTLE airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how he had done it.

“I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer.”

Source

Do You Have a Website?

Filed under: English — Yogesh Marwaha @ 13:09
Tags: , ,

Do You Have a Website?

Source

I Do Not Have a Password

Filed under: English — Yogesh Marwaha @ 13:05
Tags: , ,

I Do Not Have a Password

Source

Web Designer

Filed under: English — Yogesh Marwaha @ 12:39
Tags: , ,

Web Designer

Source

What Movies Teach You About Computers?

Filed under: English — Yogesh Marwaha @ 12:32
Tags: ,

16 interesting things you can learn about computers from the movies…

  1. Any PERMISSION DENIED has an OVERRIDE function.
  2. Complex calculations and loading of huge amounts of data will be accomplished in under three seconds. In the movies, modems transmit data at two gigabytes per second.
  3. When the power plant/missile site/whatever overheats, all the control panels will explode, as will the entire building.
  4. If you display a file on the screen and someone deletes the file, it also disappears from the screen. There are no ways to copy a backup file – and there are no undelete utilities.
  5. If a disk has got encrypted files, you are automatically asked for a password when you try to access it.
  6. No matter what kind of computer disk it is, it’ll be readable by any system you put it into. All application software is usable by all computer platforms.
  7. The more high-tech the equipment, the more buttons it has. However, everyone must have been highly trained, because the buttons aren’t labeled.
  8. Most computers, no matter how small, have reality-defying three-dimensional, real-time, photo-realistic animated graphics capability.
  9. Laptops, for some strange reason, always seem to have amazing real-time video phone capabilities and the performance of a CRAY.
  10. Whenever a character looks at a terminal, the image is so bright that it projects itself onto his/her face.
  11. Computers never crash during key, high-intensity activities. Humans operating computers never make mistakes under stress.
  12. (From Independence Day) No matter what kind of virus it is, any computer can be infected with it – even an alien spaceship’s computer – simply by running a virus upload program on a laptop.
  13. (From Jurassic Park) A custom system with millions of lines of code controlling a multimillion dollar theme park can be operated by a 13 year old who has seen a Unix system before. Knowing an operating system means you know how to run any application on that system, even custom apps.
  14. You cannot stop a destructive program or virus by unplugging the computer. Presumably the virus has it’s own built-in power supply.
  15. You cannot stop a destructive program downloading onto your system by unplugging the phone line. You must figure out the mandatory “back door” all evil virus programmers put in.
  16. Computers only crash if a virus or a hacker is involved.

Source

Create a free website or blog at WordPress.com.