कुछ मज़ेदार लम्हे…

March 12, 2010

बेचारा मर्द…

Filed under: हिंदी — Yogesh Marwaha @ 14:40
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अगर औरत पर हाथ उठाए तो ज़ालिम और पिट जाए तो बुजदिल.

औरत को किसी के साथ देख के लड़ाई करे तो jealous और चुप रहे तो बे-गैरत.

घर से बाहर रहे तो आवारा और घर में रहे तो नाकारा.

बच्चों को डांटे तो जालिम और न डांटे तो लापरवाह.

औरत को नौकरी करने से रोके तो शक्की-मिजाज़ और न रोके तो औरत की कमाई खाने वाला.

आखिर ये बेचारा मर्द जाए कहाँ!!!

Source: SMS

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December 11, 2009

Operating System v/s Airlines

Filed under: English — Yogesh Marwaha @ 13:16
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Different operating systems. Different styles. But what if the quirks and styles of the different operating systems were applied to AIRLINES? What if airlines ran things the way operating systems do? This humorous analogy, applying operating system philosophies as if they were airlines, is a long-standing much-circulated amusing story, and we’d credit the author if we knew who wrote it!

If Operating Systems Ran The Airlines…

UNIX Airways: Everyone brings one piece of the plane along when they come to the airport. They all go out on the runway and put the plane together piece by piece, arguing non-stop about what kind of plane they are supposed to be building.

Air DOS: Everybody pushes the airplane until it glides, then they jump on and let the plane coast until it hits the ground again. Then they push again, jump on again, and so on…

Mac Airlines: All the stewards, captains, baggage handlers, and ticket agents look and act exactly the same. Every time you ask questions about details, you are gently but firmly told that you don’t need to know, don’t want to know, and everything will be done for you without your ever having to know, so just shut up.

Windows Air: The terminal is pretty and colourful, with friendly stewards, easy baggage check and boarding, and a smooth take-off. After about 10 minutes in the air, the plane explodes with no warning whatsoever.

Windows NT Air: Just like Windows Air, but costs more, uses much bigger planes, and takes out all the other aircraft within a 40-mile radius when it explodes.

Windows XP Air: You turn up at the airport,which is under contract to only allow XP Air planes. All the aircraft are identical, brightly coloured and three times as big as they need to be. The signs are huge and all point the same way. Whichever way you go, someone pops up dressed in a cloak and pointed hat insisting you follow him. Your luggage and clothes are taken off you and replaced with an XP Air suit and suitcase identical to everyone around you as this is included in the exorbitant ticket cost. The aircraft will not take off until you have signed a contract. The inflight entertainment promised turns out to be the same Mickey Mouse cartoon repeated over and over again. You have to phone your travel agent before you can have a meal or drink. You are searched regularly throughout the flight. If you go to the toilet twice or more you get charged for a new ticket. No matter what destination you booked you will always end up crash landing at Whistler in Canada.

Linux Air: Disgruntled employees of all the other OS airlines decide to start their own airline. They build the planes, ticket counters, and pave the runways themselves. They charge a small fee to cover the cost of printing the ticket, but you can also download and print the ticket yourself. When you board the plane, you are given a seat, four bolts, a wrench and a copy of the seat-HOWTO.html. Once settled, the fully adjustable seat is very comfortable, the plane leaves and arrives on time without a single problem, the in-flight meal is wonderful. You try to tell customers of the other airlines about the great trip, but all they can say is, “You had to do what with the seat?”

Source: e-mail

एक ख़त

Filed under: हिंदी — Yogesh Marwaha @ 13:01
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एक गाँव में एक स्त्री थी. उसके पति आई. टी. आई. में कार्यरत थे. वह अपने पति को पत्र लिखना चाहती है पर अल्पज्ञानी होने के कारण उसे यह पता नहीं होता की पूर्णविराम कहाँ लगेगा. इसीलिए उसका जहाँ मन करता है वहीं पूर्णविराम लगाती है. और इक प्रकार वह चिट्ठी लिखती है…

मेरे प्यारे जीवनसाथी मेरा प्रणाम आपके चरणों में. आप ने अभी तक चिट्ठी नहीं लिखी मेरी सहेली को. नौकरी मिल गयी है हमारी गाय ने. बछड़ा दिया है दादाजी ने. शराब शुरू कर दी मैंने. तुमको बहुत ख़त लिखे पर तुम नहीं आए कुत्ते के बच्चे. भेड़िया खा गया दो महीने का राशन. छुट्टी पर आते वक़्त ले आना एक खूबसूरत औरत. मेरी सहेली बन गई है. और इस वक़्त टी.वी. पर गाना गा रही है हमारी बकरी. बेच दी गई है तुम्हारी माँ. तुमको याद कर रही है एक पड़ोसन. हमें बहुत तंग करती है तुम्हारी बहन. सिर दर्द से लेटी है तुम्हारी पत्नी.

Source: e-mail

December 9, 2009

Scene of a Chinese call center…

Filed under: English — Yogesh Marwaha @ 22:26
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Caller: Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan?

Operator: Yes, you can speak to me.

Caller: No, I want to speak to Annie Wan!

Operator: Yes, I understand you want to speak to anyone. You can speak to me. Who is this?

Caller: I’m Sam Wan and I need to talk to Annie Wan! It’s urgent.

Operator: I know you are someone and you want to talk to anyone! But what’s this urgent matter about?

Caller: Well… just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother Noe Wan was involved in an accident. Noe Wan got injured and now Noe Wan is being sent to the hospital. Right now Avery Wan is on his way to the hospital.

Operator: Look, if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital, then the accident isn’t an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious but I don’t have time for this!

Caller: You are so rude! Who are you?

Operator: I’m Saw Ree.

Caller: Yes! You should be sorry. Now give me your name!!

Operator: That’s what I said. I’m Saw Ree…

Source: e-mail

Tech. support

Filed under: English — Yogesh Marwaha @ 22:19
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Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slow down in the performance of flower and jewellery applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.9, but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0 and NBA 3.0.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I’ve tried running NAGGING 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?

Desperate

[REPLY]

Dear Desperate,

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Try to enter the command: C:/I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and install Tears 6.2. Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications: Guilty 3.0 and Flowers 7.0. But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Television 6.1. Television 6.1 is a very bad program. That will create Loud noises ( WAV files) and does not get deleted.

DO NOT install Mother-In-Law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have a limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Cheerfulness 2.0.

Good Luck,

Tech Support

Source: e-mail

पत्नी चालीसा

Filed under: हिंदी — Yogesh Marwaha @ 22:03
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नमो-नमो पत्नी महारानी, तुम्हारी महिमा कोई न जानी ||१||

हमने समझा तुम अबला हो, पर तुम सबसे बड़ी बला हो ||२||

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New addition to the periodic table of chemical elements

Filed under: English — Yogesh Marwaha @ 21:48
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New addition to the periodic table of chemical elements

Element Name: WOMAN

Symbol: WO

Atomic Weight: Don’t even dare to ask.

Physical properties: Generally boils at any thing and may freeze at any time. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if mishandled.

Chemical properties: Very reactive. Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity with gold, silver, platinum, diamond and other precious

stones. Volatile when left alone.

Source: SMS

गुरूजी का ज्ञान

Filed under: हिंदी — Yogesh Marwaha @ 21:40
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संता: गुरूजी, लम्बी उम्र के लिए क्या करूँ?

गुरूजी: बेटा, शादी कर लो.

संता: उससे क्या उम्र लम्बी होगी?

गुरूजी: नहीं, लम्बी लगने लगेगी!

Source: SMS

नेक सलाह

Filed under: हिंदी — Yogesh Marwaha @ 21:31
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ऐ दोस्त तू भी लिखा कर शायरी…

मेरी तरह तेरा भी नाम हो जायेगा,

लोग फेंकेगे अंडे-टमाटर…

तो शाम की सब्जी का इंतजाम हो जायेगा!

Source: SMS

Gay

Filed under: हिंदी — Yogesh Marwaha @ 21:26
Tags:

एक किसान अनाज की बोरियां लेकर बैलगाड़ी से जा रहा था…

संता ने रोक कर पूछा: क्या है?

किसान: साहब, गेहूँ.

संता: अबे तो हाथ मिला, मैं भी ‘gay’ हूँ!

Source: SMS

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