कुछ मज़ेदार लम्हे…

March 15, 2011

A Sweet Demand By A Kid…

Filed under: English — Yogesh Marwaha @ 14:53
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A kid was beaten up by his mom.

Dad came and asked, “What happened son?”

Kid said, “I cannot adjust with your wife anymore, I want my own..!”

Source: SMS

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February 18, 2011

Good news or…

Filed under: English — Yogesh Marwaha @ 01:31
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Doctor: Mrs Shaalu, good news for you!

Girl: What do you mean by Mrs Shaalu? It’s Ms Shaalu.

Doctor: Oh! I am sorry. Ms Shaalu, bad news..!

Source: SMS

March 12, 2010

चमत्कारी तोता

Filed under: हिंदी,ਪੰਜਾਬੀ,English — Yogesh Marwaha @ 15:57
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एक आदमी ने चिड़ियाघर में ३ भाषाएँ बोलने वाला तोता देखा जो इंग्लिश, हिंदी और पंजाबी बोलता था.

उसने टेस्ट करने के लिए तोते से पूछा: Who are you?

तोता: Parrot.

आदमी: तुम कौन हो?

तोता: मैं तोता हूँ.

आदमी: ਤੂ ਕੌਣ ਹੈ?

तोता: ਤੇਰੀ ਮਾਂ ਦਾ ਖਸਮ. ਸਾਲੇਯਾ ਇਕ ਵਾਰੀ ਚ ਸਮਝ ਨਹੀਂ ਆਉਂਦੀ ਤੋਤਾ ਹਾਂ!

Source: SMS

December 11, 2009

Operating System v/s Airlines

Filed under: English — Yogesh Marwaha @ 13:16
Tags: , , , ,

Different operating systems. Different styles. But what if the quirks and styles of the different operating systems were applied to AIRLINES? What if airlines ran things the way operating systems do? This humorous analogy, applying operating system philosophies as if they were airlines, is a long-standing much-circulated amusing story, and we’d credit the author if we knew who wrote it!

If Operating Systems Ran The Airlines…

UNIX Airways: Everyone brings one piece of the plane along when they come to the airport. They all go out on the runway and put the plane together piece by piece, arguing non-stop about what kind of plane they are supposed to be building.

Air DOS: Everybody pushes the airplane until it glides, then they jump on and let the plane coast until it hits the ground again. Then they push again, jump on again, and so on…

Mac Airlines: All the stewards, captains, baggage handlers, and ticket agents look and act exactly the same. Every time you ask questions about details, you are gently but firmly told that you don’t need to know, don’t want to know, and everything will be done for you without your ever having to know, so just shut up.

Windows Air: The terminal is pretty and colourful, with friendly stewards, easy baggage check and boarding, and a smooth take-off. After about 10 minutes in the air, the plane explodes with no warning whatsoever.

Windows NT Air: Just like Windows Air, but costs more, uses much bigger planes, and takes out all the other aircraft within a 40-mile radius when it explodes.

Windows XP Air: You turn up at the airport,which is under contract to only allow XP Air planes. All the aircraft are identical, brightly coloured and three times as big as they need to be. The signs are huge and all point the same way. Whichever way you go, someone pops up dressed in a cloak and pointed hat insisting you follow him. Your luggage and clothes are taken off you and replaced with an XP Air suit and suitcase identical to everyone around you as this is included in the exorbitant ticket cost. The aircraft will not take off until you have signed a contract. The inflight entertainment promised turns out to be the same Mickey Mouse cartoon repeated over and over again. You have to phone your travel agent before you can have a meal or drink. You are searched regularly throughout the flight. If you go to the toilet twice or more you get charged for a new ticket. No matter what destination you booked you will always end up crash landing at Whistler in Canada.

Linux Air: Disgruntled employees of all the other OS airlines decide to start their own airline. They build the planes, ticket counters, and pave the runways themselves. They charge a small fee to cover the cost of printing the ticket, but you can also download and print the ticket yourself. When you board the plane, you are given a seat, four bolts, a wrench and a copy of the seat-HOWTO.html. Once settled, the fully adjustable seat is very comfortable, the plane leaves and arrives on time without a single problem, the in-flight meal is wonderful. You try to tell customers of the other airlines about the great trip, but all they can say is, “You had to do what with the seat?”

Source: e-mail

December 9, 2009

Scene of a Chinese call center…

Filed under: English — Yogesh Marwaha @ 22:26
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Caller: Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan?

Operator: Yes, you can speak to me.

Caller: No, I want to speak to Annie Wan!

Operator: Yes, I understand you want to speak to anyone. You can speak to me. Who is this?

Caller: I’m Sam Wan and I need to talk to Annie Wan! It’s urgent.

Operator: I know you are someone and you want to talk to anyone! But what’s this urgent matter about?

Caller: Well… just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother Noe Wan was involved in an accident. Noe Wan got injured and now Noe Wan is being sent to the hospital. Right now Avery Wan is on his way to the hospital.

Operator: Look, if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital, then the accident isn’t an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious but I don’t have time for this!

Caller: You are so rude! Who are you?

Operator: I’m Saw Ree.

Caller: Yes! You should be sorry. Now give me your name!!

Operator: That’s what I said. I’m Saw Ree…

Source: e-mail

Tech. support

Filed under: English — Yogesh Marwaha @ 22:19
Tags: , ,

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slow down in the performance of flower and jewellery applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.9, but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0 and NBA 3.0.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I’ve tried running NAGGING 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?

Desperate

[REPLY]

Dear Desperate,

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Try to enter the command: C:/I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and install Tears 6.2. Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications: Guilty 3.0 and Flowers 7.0. But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Television 6.1. Television 6.1 is a very bad program. That will create Loud noises ( WAV files) and does not get deleted.

DO NOT install Mother-In-Law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have a limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Cheerfulness 2.0.

Good Luck,

Tech Support

Source: e-mail

New addition to the periodic table of chemical elements

Filed under: English — Yogesh Marwaha @ 21:48
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New addition to the periodic table of chemical elements

Element Name: WOMAN

Symbol: WO

Atomic Weight: Don’t even dare to ask.

Physical properties: Generally boils at any thing and may freeze at any time. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if mishandled.

Chemical properties: Very reactive. Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity with gold, silver, platinum, diamond and other precious

stones. Volatile when left alone.

Source: SMS

November 19, 2009

A teacher in Bihar…

Filed under: English — Yogesh Marwaha @ 15:27
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A Teacher in Bihar was found to use these dialogues:

  1. Inside class:
    • Close the doors of the windows please… I have winter in my nose today.
    • Cut an apple into two halves …take the bigger half.
    • Shhhhh… quiet boys… the principal just passed away in the corridor.
    • Both of you three, get out of my class.
    • Take a copper wire of any metal …especially of silver.
    • Take a 5cm. wire of any length.
  2. At the ground:
    • All of you stand in a straight circle.
    • There is no wind in the balloon.
  3. To a boy angrily:
    • I talk, he talk, why you middle middle talk???
  4. Giving punishment:
    • You three of you, stand together separately.
    • You… go and understand the tree.
    • Why are you late??? …say YES or NO.

Source

How to earn more…

Filed under: English — Yogesh Marwaha @ 15:02
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Dilbert’s theorem on salary states that Engineers, Teachers, Programmers and Scientists can never earn as much salary as business executives and sales people. This theorem can now be supported by a mathematical equation based on the following three postulates:

Postulate 1:

Knowledge is Power (Knowledge = Power)

Postulate 2:

Time is Money (Time = Money)

Postulate 3: (as every Physics student knows),

Power = Work / Time

It therefore follows that,

Knowledge = Work / Time

and since

Time = Money

Knowledge = Work / Money

Solving for Money, we get,

Money = Work / Knowledge

Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity, regardless of the amount of work done.

CONCLUSION: The Less you Know, the More Money you make!!!

Source

Grass-cutter

Filed under: English — Yogesh Marwaha @ 14:49
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One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

“Why are you eating grass?” he asked one of them.

“We don’t have any money for food,” the poor man replied.

“Oh, come along with me then,” instructed the lawyer.

“But, sir, I have a wife and two children  too!”

“Bring them along!” replied the lawyer.

He turned to the other man and said, “You too come with us.”

“But sir, I have a wife and six children!” the second man answered.

“Bring them as well!” answered the lawyer as he headed for his limo.

They all climbed into the car, no easy task even for a limo.

Once underway, one of poor fellows said, “Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.”

The lawyer replied, “No problem, the grass at my home is almost a foot tall.”

Source

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